An Introduction and Nervous Ramble

My name is Carmen Casillas and I'm a failed journaller.  I think I've tried about a thousand and one times to journal in some manner since I was a little girl.  I probably got a journal every other year from someone, but it never really stuck. My block has always been that I feel that I'm not prolific in any way, shape, or form.  But since I'll be heading out on a rather amazing adventure for the next four months, I figured that re-opening the can of worms that is writing about my life might be a good idea.  This blog is incredibly selfish (for many reasons) but mostly because I want to keep myself on track with remembering stuff.  I'm not so good at that when it comes to travel (I have about 500 pictures from a trip to Spain in 9th grade that beg to be labeled with foggy memories).  Hopefully, this can also be something that my family and friends can look at to see how I'm doing and realize that, no, I'm not dead yet.

Step 2, after actually writing this post, was figuring out a blog name.  Which was basically the most stressful part, of course, because now blog names have to be spiffy and unique and witty.  You can't just name it "Carmen's Blog" and expect it to be okay.  Oh no, that just won't do!  So the name came from Googling and my obsession with alliteration.  I'm also trying to be optimistic with the title--especially because I tend to be quite cynical about new experiences.  Introduction over; begin the rambling!


I still can't believe that I leave in one week. One week from today, I will be en route to Dublin, Ireland for a semester abroad and the longest time I will have ever been away from home. I can’t really fathom what this will actually be like.  I feel like I should check a box somewhere between excited, nervous, anxious, and panicked that actually describes how I’m feeling. I’m excited about my pre-program travel to Spain and Italy with my father, who has never been overseas before.  I’m nervous about cooking for myself, entirely by myself, for the first time.  I’m anxious about the fact that I still have no idea what classes I’m going to be taking.  I’m panicked that I won’t be able to fit enough clothes in my suitcases.

How epic is this??? (Ashford Castle)

I think the most incredible thing is that I feel like nobody ever talks about being nervous to go abroad. When people talk about the experience, all they have to say is, “It will be the best semester of your life!” or, “I swear I wanted to stay for an extra semester,” or, “Don’t be nervous! You’ll be fine, I promise!” They don’t say anything about how terrifying it is to be going to ANOTHER COUNTRY for four months for the first time! I swear, every time I start to think about my dad leaving at the end of my pre-program travel and saying, “See ya!” I can’t even begin to describe how tight my chest gets.

Unlike some of my friends at Notre Dame, I have been home for every break during the school year for the past two years. I haven’t even spent a summer away from my family. As an only child, I definitely have an interesting relationship with my parents. We fight like cats and dogs, but I love them so much. But, seriously: SO MUCH. And I have no idea how I’m going to not call my mom at 11 o’clock at night when I’m in a panic about something, or call my dad a random evening before I go to bed just to say, “Bendición?” and hear him say, “Que Dios te bendiga.” (Not exactly going to work with a five hour time difference.)

Though I’m incredibly excited for the adventure of going abroad, I’m also nervous. Really nervous. And I think that’s okay. I shouldn't feel like I have to be totally “ready”. I’m jumping head first into a new experience that is completely different from any I've had before. And being ready isn't just about being totally calm, it’s about being all jumbled up inside but plowing ahead anyway. And that, at least, I am ready for.